Made it out for a 7(ish) km run this morning. For the first time ever I didn’t actually check the distance on the garmin – just responded to the buzz alerting me to change from running to walking and vice versa. This is quite unheard of for me and a nice no-pressure way to approach it, I think. I should apply this to more areas of my life.

It’s not the most convenient thing in the world, but I’ve started bringing my phone along with me and stopping for the occasional photo. It’s actually quite ridiculous to take a Garmin, ipod nano AND a phone on runs – really I should just take the phone as it can do everything the other two can.

The run was quite a bit harder than last week – slightly longer distance, rather tight hamstrings and slightly dodgy right ankle (bad form and shoes not laced tight enough). Nonetheless lovely chilly morning and great to get out. 

I was pretty knackered afterward and kept it very low key for most of the day – and was very kind to myself for doing so.

I’m pretty pleased to hit the 8 month mark – the past month was a little wobbly and reaching a milestone is really helpful.

There were definitely times in my recent less-than-ideal mental state that I really wondered what the point of this was. I gave up drinking precisely because I was looking for more mental equilibrium. Everything was mostly working a treat up until recently – lots calmer, less crazy and less tense, able to handle SML (and bonkers Bobs) stress. I’ve definitely thought about having a nice glass of wine (how relaxing! how tasty!) in the last couple of days,

I’d seen PAWS mentioned on a bunch of sobriety blogs and had no idea what it was other than an association with struggles and relapses. After investigating a bit I was all ah-ha!

Let’s review the symptoms (and amalgam from here and here):
✚ Mood swings
✚ Anxiety and panic attacks
✚ Irritability
✚ Tiredness
✚ Variable energy
✚ Low enthusiasm
✚ Variable concentration
✚ Disturbed sleep
✚ Depression
✚ Lack of motivation
✚ General cognitive impairment
✚ Memory loss
✚ Difficulty solving problems and thinking clearly
✚ Obsessive thoughts

Okay, I’ll just tick all those boxes right now.

I wouldn’t have called myself particularly hugely dependent on alcohol or even an alcoholic (though I definitely had the lots of wine every night habit – okay, that’s pretty dependent), but I’ve certainly had All The Things – so maybe, yes?

Post-acute withdrawal feels like a rollercoaster of symptoms. Definitely this
Each post-acute withdrawal episode usually last for a few days. Yes, that rings true
Post-acute withdrawal usually lasts for 2 years. You what now?

After all this I felt marginally less crazy – just maybe there is a physiological reason for this and it’s all quite normal. This thought is really very comforting.

Onward to month 9!

#goalz achieved! I cycled in to work and also made my lunch – ham, seeded mustard, vintage tasty cheese and lettuce on sourdough roll. The roll was a little too large and quite chewy, I think I’ll save the remainder for breadcrumbs. The downside of taking lunch is that I don’t tend to leave the building and just keep working through – must force myself out more, even if just for a short walk in the freezing cold. 

This evening in the pursuit of soothing self-care activities, I exfoliated and face masked, after which I felt all smooth and glowy.

Possibly I could have Achieved more self-care (All The Self Care!), but this is supposed to be a gentle and non-judgemental exercise.

Mood level = 3/5 
(Tuesday morning was 0.5/5 so this is pretty excellent progress)

Despite another not great night’s sleep, as planned I woke a little earlier, made my lunch and cycled in to work (no breakfast though).

I was really quite nervous, and had built it up into something approaching terrifying, but of course it really wasn’t too bad at all. I felt quite the sense of achievement afterward.

And of course it rained for the first time in weeks, but I managed to miss the worst of it.

I’m going to treat the next seven days as carolbaby self-care week and try to get myself back into some sort of mental health equilibrium. Most important of this will be to cut myself a frigging break, but also to keep cycling and making lunch. Then we’ll see how I’m travelling and determine whether I need to seek out the services of a Professional. 

I was really in the riding to work zone for a while there and then completely lost momentum. I think it must be about a month since I last rode in – which is kind of disappointing. I really suck at times.

I was intending to get back to it this morning, but slept pretty badly and then futzed about – leaving myself not quite enough time to comfortably get in and ready for an early meeting (which then never eventuated). I was also intending to take my lunch – which also never eventuated because I forgot to take fixings from the freezer the night before. Again with the disappointing, and again with the I really suck sometimes.

I brooded on this all the way in to work, which of course spiralled into a kind of carolbaby is just generally terrible at All The Things (let me enumerate the many, many ways) refrain. 

Honestly, my head is often a really tiring (and tiresome and hostile) place to be. 

Thankfully I did get lunch ingredients from the freezer tonight and I’ve set the alarm 15 min earlier, so hopefully I can do both making lunch and ride in. I’d also like to attempt having breakfast, but maybe baby steps – I don’t want to think up yet more reasons I’m failing at life!

I think I really need some vitamin D (careful, non-sunburny doses) and exercise! Gah, what is it with this resistance?

Naturally after my freebie audiobook, I forgot to cancel the monthly audible subscription fee. Like gym membership, this is how they get you hooked in.

I had credits stacking up and grabbed a couple of titles which sounded decent.

xxx

J K Rowling: The Casual Vacancy
17 hrs and 49 mins

My first J K Rowling (no I haven’t read any Harry Potter, judge away!)

I liked this quite well – even enough to listen to here and there at my desk at SML. 

Quite decent characterisation. Alternately funny, touching, frustrating, heart-rending. Occasionally emotionally manipulative, occasionally ham-fisted.

xxx

Anthony Horowitz: Magpie Murders
15 hrs and 47 mins

If you’re all about flagrant historical inaccuracy, dreadful anachronisms, poor writing and heavily telegraphed endings, you’ll love this.

I hated it. HATED! I really wanted to abandon the whole thing, but kept going because I’d paid $14.95 for it. Yes, that’s less than $1.00 per hour. Honestly, I hope my time is worth more than that! Sunk cost fallacy anyone?
Little wonder the publishing industry is in its death throes.

After I’d finished, I received the following email:

To: carolbaby
From: dontreply@audible.com.au
Subject: Are you enjoying Magpie Murders?
We hope you’re enjoying Magpie Murders. Not loving it? No worries. We all make bad choices at times – remember MC Hammer pants? With our Love It or Swap It Free guarantee you can swap any audiobook any time.

And even though I’d painfully listened to the whole thing, you’d better believe I returned it for a refund.

xxx

I’m still undecided about whether audiobooks something I want to pursue on the regular. Unlike a printed book (or let’s be real, an ebook), audiobooks are this all encompassing thing which make me oblivious to what’s going on around me – in most cases this is a very good thing, others not so much.

And although this is not a problem – they also take rather longer (I think I’d probably read a book in 1/2 to 2/3 the time) and require much more attention – I can’t pick up, read a couple of sentences and wander off to something else or fall asleep in the middle and still have my place kept for me.

I’ve now stacked up five book credits. I need to either put the membership on hold while I catch up or to download five books and cancel it. Realistically I’m not going to listen to one book a month, so maintaining the subscription is probably not worthwhile.

I adore mossy things and tiny worlds and have been admiring the gorgeous mossariums on the mosslight1955 instagram account for a while now. Mostly admiring while thinking such adorable things were a little beyond my reach.

When we were in Melbourne browsing the lovely treasures in top 3 by design we came across
botanica boutique’s sanctuary s. I was completely powerless to resist** and snapped up one in concrete – frugality be damned.

I knew we had some moss hanging about the base of the ponytail plants on the top balcony (an absolute mystery why that is – it’s alternately a firey desert and a freezing desert up there), so there was something immediately available to fill it.

lush!

The moss I chose was from the other ponytail and was a browning a little from neglect. I guess there is such a thing as a neglect tipping point as it had been thriving from neglect the last time I looked.

I flicked off a couple of browning bunches (if bunches is the word I want), gave them a good soak with the base in a bowl of water (per directions for the base), and arranged them as best I could. I probably had a little more than I needed, so it’s a bit mountainous in there:

infinitely better photos on the botanica site

Week one and already stuff is happening:

It’s so pleasing to look at! And so very soothing!

I’m seriously contemplating buying one of the larger M series.

xxx

** after about a billion years agonising over whether I should buy it.

After about a month, I finally made it out for a run this morning – just under 7km (5min run | 2min walk intervals).

It was freezing and the weather was sunny and glorious. It felt great! Not even a tiny twinge on the dodgy ankle.

The run was fabulous for the mood, but I’m now totally full of sleeping and the brain has ceased to work.

I really (really!) need to do more of this.

Yay! Weekend!

Remember the days when I would construct lengthy weekend Action Item lists and smash through them?

Who even was that person?

Lately I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do pretty much anything productive, it’s quite strange and I really can’t exactly pinpoint when that happened.

I’d like to address that this weekend. Will report back.

Yesterday I managed to leave work while it was still light outside!

It was a very rare thing and wildly exciting!

Sadly the same could not be said about today. I think I’m rather in danger of developing a vitamin D deficiency.