it was there all along

I’m sure it’s pretty evident that I’ve been a little (a lot) on the meh side in recent months.

I’ve been very unhappy in a way I haven’t been for years and years. I’ve been analysing this (to death) and have tried tweaking various bits and pieces:
+ maybe I need to take it easy and chill?
+ maybe I need to give up the self-improvement books?
+ maybe I need to leave SML?
+ maybe I need more creativity?
+ maybe I need to quit the ambitious to-do lists?
+ maybe I need to stop buying stuff?
+ maybe I need to stop the daily journal?
+ maybe I need to give up instagram?
+ maybe I need x, y, z other things?
None of this really worked.

I lunched with Knut (ex-colleague and golden boy) during the week for the first time in about 6 months and he looked fabulous – relaxed, healthy, calm, centred. He’s been exercising and goal-setting and meditating (though in his case it manifests itself as prayer) and self-improvement-ing all over the place. The transformation was quite amazing. And it occurred to me that I love this sort of personal development stuff, but I’ve fallen into a place where I feel like I have no agency in my life and I’m letting everything kind of just happen to me. I’m not exercising, I’m eating badly, I’m disengaged, I’m kind of defeated. But I actually am in the very privileged position where I do have agency and lots of it! And I made a plan to spend this weekend mapping out just how I want to move forward. Perhaps a way out at last?

Last night I took some heavy duty night-time cold-and-flu tablets because I could feel one coming on (and various members of my team have been out with it) and I didn’t wake until 5:30am. This is pretty unprecedented – I generally wake at least 3 times a night with a raging thirst and drink copious amounts of water.

This morning I woke full of enthusiasm, cheerfulness, energy and all the good things.

Could it be that all I really need is a proper night’s sleep?

4 thoughts on “it was there all along

  1. I have a theory that the “meh” and the not sleeping is age related. Pretty much every woman I know in her late 40s/early 50s (me included) is experiencing this. I’m currently experimenting with vitamin D and magnesium taken straight after dinner and have had a couple of goodish nights sleep after months of insomnia (so maybe the D/magnesium effect takes a while to kick in??)
    Mapping stuff out is DEFINITELY a good idea too. Am in the early stages of dreaming/planning something right now and feel a huge lift just from having the ideas. But, yes, sleep is really the key… If you find a permanent answer, let me know!

    • I’m pretty sure you’re right on the age thing – as if we don’t have enough to contend with!

      I was taking magnesium and vitamin D as part of my nightly routine (though not for sleep) but quit the magnesium a couple of months ago – wonder if this is related?

      To be honest – even just realising that lack of sleep could be a contributor to all of this makes me feel infinitely better. But I suspect it is just a matter of slogging through.

      I’m interested to see what you’re planning!

  2. I’ve been totally meh for 6 months – probably coinciding with moving back to Australia so would love to know the secret of kicking myself up the backside.

    • You I think, have more reason to feel meh than most!

      International move, kids-now-adults, travelling so very much for work – no time to breathe.

      I think we all have to take ourselves in hand – how we do this I have no idea.

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