I’ve been on a bit of a PD James kick recently (I much prefer the older novels – Dalgliesh has morphed into an introspective, whingey sook in the later work), and while I don’t quite love them enough to buy them, the library has a reasonable enough range to see me through.

So far, I guess I’ve read about 10 novels and I’d noticed that someone before me had placed a tick in each book on page 23 – I assumed this little act of defacement was a code to indicate to them whether they had previously read the book. I’d also noticed that there was the occasional correction of a typo in the text (usually in the same pen as the ticks) – which I found mildly irritating, but not terribly so.

The minor irritation changed to horrified astonishment yesterday when I borrowed the last of the library’s offerings: Death of an Expert Witness. Apparently some crazy person had gone through the novel, making numerous “corrections” to the text, however the corrections were not correct in any grammatical world I’m familiar with.

Examples of the lunacy:

– Every instance of rôle has had the circumflex accent scribbled out.
– Adding ‘s to everything. This grammatical quirk is really an obsession with Mystery Editor – it features heavily (I’d estimate once every 5-10 pages):

• “The slight bleeding from the mouth is caused by the tongue being caught between the teeth.”
  becomes
  “The slight bleeding from the mouth is caused by the tongue‘s being caught between the teeth.”

• “… they couldn’t economise there because of Debbie needing warmth …”
  becomes
  “… they couldn’t economise there because of Debbie‘s needing warmth …”

• “‘So we had this idea of trying to stop Mrs Bidwell going to the Laboratory.'”
  becomes
  “‘So we had this idea of trying to stop Mrs Bidwell‘s going to the Laboratory.'”

• “‘Dr Lorrimer was very particular about people coming into the Laboratory.'”
  becomes (you guessed it)
  “‘Dr Lorrimer was very particular about people‘s coming into the Laboratory.'”

– Mystery Editor has an obsession with the word “smell” and its variations…

• “‘She doesn’t like William and me to go in. Anyway, she smells, so we don’t.'”
  becomes
  “‘She doesn’t like William and me to go in. Anyway, she smells stinks, so we don’t.'”

• “Eleanor was right, the room did smell.”
  becomes
  “Eleanor was right, the room did smell stink.”

• “The Document Examination Room, which occupied the whole front of the building under the roof, smelled like a stationer’s shop…”
  becomes
  “The Document Examination Room, which occupied the whole front of the building under the roof, smelled stank like a stationer’s shop…”

– Mystery Editor has some gender issues:

• “‘… and explained to the jury that they needn’t be frightened of the so-called scientific expert witnesses because none of us, including himself of course, really know what we’re talking about.'”
  becomes
  “‘… and explained to the jury that they needn’t be frightened of the so-called scientific expert witnesses because none of us, including himself of course, really know what we’re he’s talking about.'”

• “‘Anyone who wants to enter from the side has to leave the dressing-room, scurry in their costume and probably in the rain through the graveyard and, if they don’t trip over the gravestone, break their ankle, or fall into an open grave, finally make a triumphant, if damp, appearance on the proper side.'”
  becomes
  “‘Anyone who wants to enter from the side has to leave the dressing-room, scurry in their his costume and probably in the rain through the graveyard and, if they he don’t doesn’t trip over the gravestone, break their his ankle, or fall into an open grave, finally make a triumphant, if damp, appearance on the proper side.'”

– And lastly, Mystery Editor obviously believed some descriptions inadequate, because they (or, should I say, they he?), have felt compelled to add a word here or there:

• “‘He’s got quite a library of books up there.'”
  becomes
  “‘He’s got quite a large library of books up there.'”

• “‘It was quite a coincidence, really.”
  becomes
  “‘It was quite a strange coincidence, really.”

• “‘She’d only start criticising him for leaving me and the baby.'”
  becomes
  “‘She’d only start adversely criticising him for leaving me and the baby.'”

These “corrections” (and many many more I’ve not listed) were so maddening and distracting that it rather makes me want to track down the culprit and fiercely glare at them him¹.

¹Of course, I have absolutely no idea if the Mystery Editor is male or female.